Through The Fire

Today's been one of those days. The kind where one incredibly bad thing spawns a series of seemingly unrelated, however equally (yet uniquely) horrible (and often smaller) events later on in the day? Yeah. It's been bad.

Growing up, I was subjected to a number of odd manners of rearing--my mother liked to switch up her parenting style every few years or so to keep me on my toes. My earliest childhood memories involve being ignored for the most part if something were wrong, for I was being "dramatic". In retrospect, there's a good chance that I was being dramatic. In that same token, I suppose that my dramatic nature I've grown into could also be a response to being ignored as a youth, still yearning for attention. I dunno. In any case, my mother, the lovely woman that she is (and really, she is quite nice from time to time), in my opinion ruined a large deal of my personality.

I crave attention constantly and yet feel numb for the most part, it's quite odd and unique I like to think. But back to the point of this post.

Today, I opened up quite a bit to someone that I've had intense feelings for for quite some time now. In the past, I've always found this to be a really good thing to do, regardless of the circumstances considering that the positives outweigh the negatives like nobody's business.
Sure, your feelings may not be reciprocated through and through, but you've made your adoration known and that's always a good feeling in the end, I think. And hell, what's the worse that could happen? Then can reject you.

I don't think I've really had to handle rejection all that much in the past, I've always had buffers both external and internal. If it was not a parent shielding me from something, it was my instinct guiding me away from situations that would leave me open to hurt. I didn't really expect any kind of reciprocation here. If anything, I would have been slightly bothered by it considering the circumstances, what with this person being in a relationship and significantly older than myself. No, being turned down was expected. It was the devastation I felt though, that was surprising.

It was a slow burn really. The kind of hurt that only sinks in once you've thought about it and assumed that you weren't phased by. I wanted to do a number of things, naturally. Cry, scream, should, bawl, wail (really all variations of crying were considered and promptly rejected on my way home) throw things, break things, etc.

It was weird, I've not felt this way about anything in ages. I dunno, it was just intense.

What's worse though is now I've spawned a chain reaction I think. One of negativity that's seeping into the nooks and crannies of my every day life. I'm fighting with everyone I know, losing important things, feeling overwhelmed. It sucks. What's worse though, if that I can't cry about any of it on my own. The tears just won't come unless I'm listening to music.

And so, I'm making playlists. Lots and lots of playlists.